Marica's meanderings

Friday, March 31, 2006

Friday evening blues

It has been another long and difficult week. I am completely wiped out. I should be downstairs preparing tea for my family. Instead I am sitting here back in front of a computer. I only left work 2 hours ago. Yet here I am at it again! Although I must admit this isn't work, this is what keeps me going.

Every week I promise myself it will be different.

Every week I promise myself I will get more balance in my life.

Every week I promise myself I am going to do something to change things.

Every week I evaluate my working week and commiserate with myself about all the things I intended to do and at the same time berate myself for all the things I didn't achieve.

Every week I reach Friday drained and feeling incredibly flat.

Where is my creativity? Where is my energy? Why am I allowing things to be this way? Why am I not taking control? Why are my promises to myself always unfulfilled?

I find myself in a dubious place, mentally and spiritually, these days. On the one hand, I am in the midst of producing commercials which I have always enjoyed (I have three more shoots scheduled for the upcoming month); there's nothing quite like spending millions of dollars to turn your flimsy, in-the-shower idea into something that runs over and over in people's living rooms (or gets zapped by their Tivos). But whenever advertising work takes up too much of my life, replacing my family, my self, my journal, my leisure, even my blog, I start too feel melancholy and adrift. I start to question all of my priorities and the roads not taken. Even the free time I have becomes contaminated. I stop reading ( I have been on a long sequential jag of lovely Dicken's novels, forsaken for trashy novels and magazines), I stop dreaming big thoughts about what I might do next, I stop talking to friends not involved in my current project, I become overly touchy about other people's judgments, and I feel trapped, like a wild animal hunkered over his prey and now anxious some scavenger will pull it away. It's not pretty.
Danny Gregory, 30 March 2006

I really identify with what Danny is saying. I suppose I too could say I was in a dubious place these days. One of the dilemmas I am going through at the moment is to try and sort out what it is that I really want. It sounds so easy but I am greedy - I want it all! It's not about money - it is about life and living. The problem is you need to be able to earn money to live.

It is as though there are two sides to my being and I am not happy unless both of them are being equally nurtured and satisfied. However, there is an imbalance and one side is sucking the life out of the other side. As a Libran, being in balance is a priority.

I keep being told by others that I am impatient and I want it all now. We have to make every day count. I know this. No day should be squandered. It matters too much. You never get it back again. Time ticks past so fast. Yet with the best intenions, these days I start every Monday with a grand vision and I end on Friday feeling blue!

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